Thursday Thoughts - Growing a Strong Marriage

Marriage can be tough sometimes, but it can also add so much sweetness to life. Unlike our non-military friends, we have the incredible opportunity – blessing, really – to see our marriages for what they have been and plan for what they could be when we reunite with our husbands. Deployments bring incredible pain, loneliness, and sorrow to a marriage, but separation can also bring unmatched perspective, depth, and growth. I believe that marriages in the military have some unique opportunities that our non-military friends will never know, if only we would choose that perspective and allow God to develop it. Oscar Wilde describes that choice of perspective this way, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” So, how do we choose to look at the stars of our marriages while in the gutter of deployment?

I shared these points during The Lantern’s last gathering and used a picture of a tree to illustrate them. I chose a tree to represent growing a solid marriage because it is a living being that endures seasons and needs constant nourishment and pruning, much like our marriages. I am keenly aware that psychologists, sociologists, therapists, historians, and countless other brilliant scholars have been studying marriage since the beginning of its existence and this tree illustration just scratches the surface of the many complex facets of marriage – but it’s my prayer that these points help each of us to lift our gaze from the gutter to the stars when it comes to what our marriages could be.

I want you to envision a tree. Below ground, there is a complex network of roots that draw up nutrients to the rest of the tree. These roots must be firmly planted in good, rich soil in order to give life to the rest of the tree. For our marriages to be strong and constantly growing, our roots have to be deeply rooted in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and a reliance on the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. Everything else in this life is fleeting and temporary. God makes us this promise in Malachi 3:6, “I the Lord do not change.” If we can be sure that God remains constant, it only makes sense to root our marriages in Him.

As our marriage tree starts to grow, there are four basic truths, or roots, that must be in place in order to have a good, solid foundation. Now, when I say these truths are basic – I mean it! If you’ve ever been to a church service or you’ve been married for more than a week, these will probably not come as a surprise to you, but stick with me! The first truth that must be established for our marriage tree to grow is "God alone is perfect". There are many verses in the Bible that talk about God being perfect, that all His ways are just, that in Him there is no darkness at all, and so on. I encourage you to look up these verses for reference – Deuteronomy 32:4, Psalm 18:30, 1 John 1:5, and 1 John 4:8. So why is it so important to remember that God alone is perfect? Because we often expect our husbands to be and get disappointed, frustrated, and hurt when they aren’t. If we hold on to the expectation that our husbands will be perfect, we will constantly be let down. The same goes for expectations of ourselves. Now, I’m not saying that we should never try to do what is right, but we have to realize that God is the only one who deserves all our hope because He alone is perfect. 

The second basic truth that must be established for our marriage tree to grow is that "men and women were created differently". I told you that this wouldn’t come as a surprise to you if you’ve been married for more than a week! We can look at Scripture to see how very different men and women have been since the beginning of time. Take a look at how men and women were originally described in Genesis 2. Adam’s first job was in the Garden of Eden where he worked the land and provided for his family. Eve was first described as a “helper” and the “mother of all the living”. Now, I’m not saying that every man should be a farmer and women shouldn’t work, but I think it’s important to realize that God created us with a different make-up. When I think about the times I’ve been most frustrated with my husband, Nathan, I realize that my frustration often stems from him not responding the way I would. Well, why should I expect him to think or respond like I would or like one of girlfriends would when he’s a man?!? It’s definitely important to learn to speak each other’s languages over time and try to understand one another’s perspectives, but it’s imperative to realize that these things take time. If we go into it understanding that we’ve been created differently, then half the battle’s won. 

The third root that must be firmly planted is the truth that "you’re married to who you’re married to". We’ve all taken marriage vows and most of them probably include some verbiage from Matthew 19 that says, upon marriage, two will become one flesh and that what God has joined together, let man not separate. No matter when we got married, why we got married, under what conditions we got married, the state of our lives at the time, the depth or shallowness of our relationship, we made a covenant with the man we married and with God Himself to not separate after becoming one flesh. In order to have a solid, growing marriage we must eliminate the thought of divorce or of being married to someone else from our minds. This can be extremely difficult – especially if only one person in the marriage has come to know the Lord. But you know what? The series of events in our lives are not surprising to our Father and He can still use our marriages for His good – no matter the circumstances. We also must protect ourselves from imagining our lives with someone else. This can be difficult when so much of our marriages are spent apart, but we have to keep our minds from even going there, lest we grow calloused towards the men we’re married to and forget the reasons we loved them in the first place. 

The fourth basic truth, or root, of our marriage tree is that we must "be realistic about what we’ve been through". There are terribly excruciating sins that can happen in a marriage. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III explain it like this, “We must never be naïve enough to think of a marriage as a safe harbor from the Fall…The deepest struggles of life will occur in the most primary relationship affected by the Fall: marriage.” We can be hurt, or hurt, so badly that we can’t even see straight. Or we can become so calloused over time by a pattern of sins that forgiveness seems absolutely impossible. It we truly want to live life abundantly and fully, we must have restoration in our marriages. Matthew 18:15-16 says that when someone sins against us, we are to talk to them one on one and try to work it out. But if things can’t be worked out, we are supposed to bring someone else in to mediate. There are situations that simply need outside help and there is absolutely no shame in that. I have seen restoration and victory on the other side of the most painful sins, but the first step is realizing where you’ve been and what pain and unforgiveness needs to be worked out. 

Now that our four roots, or basic truths, are firmly planted let’s move up to the trunk of our marriage tree. There are three main principles that make up a strong trunk that can withstand the weight of the branches. The first one is to "love as Christ loves". Jesus commands us, in John 13:34, to love each other as He loves us…and our husbands aren’t exempt from that command. So, how does Christ love? Romans 5:8 says that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. Christ didn’t wait for us to get all straightened up for Him to die for us – He died for us in the midst of our sin. Now that’s unconditional love and that’s how we’re called to love our husbands. Romans 12:9-16 gives great instruction on how we should love – that we should honor one another above ourselves and not be proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 also gives us clear guidance on how to love – love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud; love keeps no records of wrong, and so on. The Bible’s clear in how we should love and it so beautifully lays out what that love looks like. 

The second principle, and probably the most difficult for many of us, that makes up the strong trunk of our marriage tree is to "forgive as God forgives". Ephesians 4:32 calls us to forgive each other, including our husbands, as God forgave us in Christ. When we ask God for forgiveness of our sins through the Sacrifice of His Son, we are washed completely clean and 2 Corinthians 5 says that we are made into a new creation! The old has gone – the new has come! Psalm 103 says that our transgressions are removed from us as far as the east is from the west – that’s as far as you can get! That is the level and type of forgiveness we’re called to forgive our husbands with. I am not pretending that this depth of forgiveness comes easy or can happen overnight. I am fully aware that some of our deepest wounds have been caused by our husbands and that we have cut our husbands the deepest of anyone. But God calls us to learn to forgive just as He forgives us in Christ. In Matthew 18, Jesus teaches that we are to forgive as many times as someone repents and asks for forgiveness. Living out this principle definitely takes some time on our knees asking God to change us and teach us because it does not come naturally. If we leave sins to themselves and don’t work through them to the point of forgiveness, they will be like a parasite and will slowly eat away at our marriages until they are dead. We must learn to forgive if we want to have strong, growing marriages. 

The final principle that makes up our solid trunk of a strong marriage is to "guard your heart". The Bible calls us to guard our hearts above all else because they are the wellsprings of life. When our hearts are sick with worry, guilt, lack of forgiveness, lack of trust, envy, or anything else that keeps then from being full and healthy, everything in our lives suffer – especially our marriages. Philippians 4:4-7 tells us to not be anxious about anything but, instead, to take our requests to God and His peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. We have to constantly bring our worries to God if we want Him to replace them with His peace. Additionally, our hearts are constantly being attacked so that we are crippled in our marriages and in our lives. 1 Peter 5 says that the enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour – and he loves attacking a marriage that is rooted in the Lord. Satan knows that he will never win over God’s children because, in Christ, we are sealed for eternity, but he loves to cripple us so we can’t live as God would have us live. But we are given hope in 2 Thessalonians 3:3 in that the Lord will strengthen and protect us from the evil one. Furthermore, we’re told how to stand up against the enemy’s schemes in Ephesians 6:10-18 by putting on the full armor of God. The best marriages are made up of two solid, guarded individuals becoming one flesh that is unstoppable.

Now that our marriage tree has deep roots and a strong trunk, let’s move up to the branches. Once a marriage has a firm foundation in truth, it can begin taking practical steps on a daily basis to grow. The first of two main branches is to "be unified". Unity was so important to Jesus that He prayed we would be brought together in complete unity in His final prayer before He was crucified. Believers in the first church were described as being one in heart and mind in Acts 4:32. Think about the last argument you had with your husband. What was at the core of it? The subject matter may have been finances or dealing with children or different communication styles, but what was at the core? I’d be willing to bet the core issue was a difference in expectation; a lack of unity. You weren’t unified in heart and mind about a certain area of your lives or your marriage and were left feeling slighted, disrespected, unloved, angry, and hurt. What if we truly became unified in our expectations? I think we’d eliminate a lot of the pain that requires forgiveness in the first place. When two people come together to become one flesh, they each bring in a certain set of experiences, thoughts, dreams, and so on. When these aren’t synched and each person just stands their ground, believing their way is the only way, of course there’s going to be divisions and arguments and pain. No matter how long you’ve been married – it could be 30 or 40 years – it’s never too late to become unified in heart and mind. Never. I’d like to challenge you to do something. Within the next week, I challenge you to write down every major area of your life. Make a list of expectations in those areas; what do you expect, what do you hop? There are many, but some of the big ones that often lead to an unhealthy marriage are – finances, parenting, professions, communication, relationships with people of the opposite sex, and sex. What expectations do you have when it comes to your finances? Do you want to eliminate all your debt within a year? Maybe you want to invest a certain amount of money in a mutual fund this year. Maybe you want to finally agree on a budget and stick to it. Maybe you want to blow all your money. Be honest with this exercise. Do you want to be a working mom or stay at home? When your husband’s deployed, do you expect to hear from him every day, once a week, once a month? What do you want to hear about? Do you want the gruesome details of war or would you rather just hear what he ate that day? Are you ok with your husband having Facebook friends who are female or eating meals with women while deployed? I know it’s tough if your husband is deployed, but I would encourage him to do the same thing. Once you both have your personal expectations figured out in the major areas of life, come together – over the phone, e-mail, or in person, discuss them openly, and decide on what’s realistic for the both of you. You may be surprised about how different or similar your expectations are, but if they are in the light and agreed upon – even if they change over time - you will be less likely butt heads about things. This is just way to becoming one in heart and mind, but it’s a good way to start working toward complete unity. 

The second branch in our tree of a strong marriage is to "enjoy each other". We’ve considered many ways to grow through the tough times, but we must not forget that God absolutely wants us to enjoy these men and these marriages He’s given us. God is called the Creator for a reason – He created beauty and senses and intimacy and laughter as a reflection of Himself and it is so important for us to take time to enjoy these blessings with our husbands – especially since we often have so little time with them physically. If you’ve ever wondered about God’s intention for intimacy and enjoyment in marriage, just read Song of Songs in the Bible. This book is a love story and opens with this “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine…Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers.” Sometimes, especially when you’ve been married for so long, you can forget the reasons you were first attracted to your spouse. I encourage you to take some time to remember, even list out, all the ways your husband stole your heart at the beginning and pray that God would reignite your passion and enjoyment for one another. Remember the things you use to do for fun before kids and PCSs and deployments and make plans to do them again. Write him a love letter. Send him some sexy pictures of yourself if he’s deployed. I would be surprised if he doesn’t reciprocate and enjoy you back. There are so many Christian books that can help in this area of your marriage if you don’t know where to start – just check out the marriage section of Lifeway or Amazon.com. One of my favorite marriage books is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and there is a chapter on sex as God intends it to be as well as many non-sexual ideas for enjoying each other again. Many sins and hard feelings can be washed away when we take time to enjoy and love the man God created for us. Let’s enjoy our husbands.

We’re finally to the top of our tree of marriage - "produce fruit". When all the rest of the tree is healthy and getting nutrients, it can produce leaves; it can produce fruit. God created everything for Himself, including marriage. When our marriages are healthy and flourishing, we can reflect God to those around us – we can produce fruit and goodness in every area of our lives. Psalm 1 says that when we delight in the Lord and meditate on His Word, we are like a tree planted by streams of water that produces fruit and everything we do prospers. Strong, growing marriages can be the best thing ever – not only for our quality of life but also for God’s glory. What better way to show what God is capable of than to have a solid marriage in the face of all these negative statistics, divorce rates, and stresses that come with deployments? Let’s get to that point where our marriages are producing fruit and showing hope, love, and life to those around us. Come the storms that may, no matter the strength of the winds or the amount of rain or the frigid winters – when our marriages are rooted in the Lord and focused on these truths, commands, and principles – we will stand firm like an oak and produce beautiful fruit that reflects God’s goodness. One of the most amazing things about God is – and you can find this in His Word – is that He is so gracious and loving that He prunes us and sometimes cuts us down to our very stump for a season so that we can grow back stronger and healthier than ever. Maybe your marriage needs some pruning right now – maybe there are some dead branches that need to be cut off so new life can grow. Let’s ask God to start pruning so our marriages can be everything we desire and everything He intended them to be. And while we continue to learn, change, and be pruned, let’s choose to look up at the stars…no matter how stinky our current gutters may be.